I was ready to take it. I was willing to put up with all of it. Dad left us and you blamed me for it. I hated him for leaving us. But I never agreed with you. Never did I think that I was the reason Dad left. But I never told you otherwise. When you blamed me, I never argued. I never resisted and neither did I ever fight back. I was just as hurt as you were but I didn’t want you to leave me either so I put up with it. You were the only one I had mom. The only one.
I never understood why things went so far when Todd came into your life. It never seemed to me like you loved him like you loved Dad. He would just come home and drink with you and you would lock yourselves in your room all day. I don’t understand why you started hitting me when he came into our lives. The blows got worse with time. You only used to slap me in the first few weeks. I could see that you were holding back. It excited you, but you held back. That restraint got weaker with the weeks to come. You only hit me when he was home. He laughed when you used to unleash your rage on me. Bearable slaps on my face turned to kicking me while I lay on the ground, wincing in pain.
I never planned on revolting. I never asked you to stop. I never begged for mercy. I would just cry. I would hold back as much as I could and when I couldn’t take it anymore, I would cry. I remember you smiling whenever I started crying. You smiled for different reasons when Dad was around.
Even though you were good at disguising my bruises, you couldn’t cover them all up. My teacher was one of the first ones to notice. Willis, the boy who sits beside me was the second. We never spoke because I was just scared of making friends. But he noticed. He noticed that I was hurting. They asked me. They asked me if you were hurting me but I lied. I covered it up. “I tripped and fell”. That was my most common excuse. The both of them saw through the lie but they needed evidence before doing something about it. They needed me to give in, but I never gave in Ma, I would never give you up.
I was willing to put up with it. But Todd got involved. Lately, he assisted you in assaulting me. Like when you started out, he was hesitant in the beginning but with time and experience, he got more and more brutal. He knew that I was willing to take anything he would dish out. I guess he wasn’t quite convinced with a few blows. He wanted to take it to the next level.
Maybe he wasn’t satisfied with just you. Maybe he wanted more. He came to my room on the night of Friday. You had already slept. I was on my study when he came in. I did what I always did, I avoided eye contact. I didn’t want to come off as disrespectful or rebellious. He slowly walked up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. I braced myself but there was no blow. He caressed his hand on my neck. I could feel his breathing get heavier by the second.
I am going to spare you the details Mom. I was really willing to live with anything you did. But not him, he doesn’t get that privilege. I couldn’t take it mom. What he did that night broke me mom. I hate myself for never even trying to resist. I guess I had gotten so used to surrendering myself. I think it’s time for me to surrender myself for good. I know that I won’t be able to fight back if this were to happen again. This would definitely happen again. This was the first time and I’d like to think that he held back. In time, he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t hold back. I can’t take that. I can’t live like that.
I still love you Ma. This is not easy. I am scared of doing it but there’s no other way Ma. I’m really scared. I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry for leaving you like Dad did. But you have Todd, you won’t be alone. I’ll miss you Ma.
I love you